Jokes

[marco]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

good oneclap_smile

[henri5gt]

there was a new survay among women that gave the following result:

75% of women think her ass is too big.
20% of women think her ass is too small.
5% of women think they are married to one!

[Razor]

there was a new survay among women that gave the following result:

75% of women think her ass is too big.
20% of women think her ass is too small.
5% of women think they are married to one!
Only 5 percent??? Wow. :bee: :bolt: :lol:

XOXO;

Maggie

[dan]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ..... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet...'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

[Razor]

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ..... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet...'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
ROFLMFAO... That one never gets old! That is what we in the trade refer to as an ID 10T error. :lol:

[Razor]

New Golf Slang

A Dennis Kucinich – short and funny looking andwell left.
A Nancy Pelosi – way to the left and out ofbounds.
A Barack Obama – well left and not much else.
A Rush Limbaugh – high and well right.
An Adolf Hitler – taking two shots in a bunker.
A Kate Winslett – a little heavy, but perfectotherwise.
A Rodney King – over-clubbed.
A Princess Diana – shouldn’t have taken thedriver.
A Princess Grace – should have used a driver.
A Prince Charles – both balls in the rough.
An O.J. Simpson – somehow got away with it.
A Cathy Freeman – ugly, but a good runner.
A Kate Moss – too thin and finished up in amess.
A Gerry Adams – provisional ball.
A Salman Rushdie (or a James Joyce) – animpossible read.
A Rock Hudson – thought it was straight, but itwasn’t.
A Britney Spears – I don’t care how you hit it,that ball is OB.
A Roseanne Barr – short, fat and ugly.
A Rosie O'Donnell – just plain fat.
A Monica Lewinsky – a putt that goes all aroundthe hole but refuses to go in.
A Lindsey Lohan – looks good, but ends in amess.
A Thurman Munson (or Mickey Mantle) – a deadyank (when your opponent pulls a short put and doesn't even hit the hole).
An Osama Bin Laden (or Saddam Hussein) – goingfrom one bunker to another.
A Kelly Clarkson – a bit chunky, but stillworking.
A Muhammad Ali – when you’re shaking over animportant putt.
A Beyoncé – a bit chunky, but still on the dancefloor (It's on the green but a long way from the hole).
A Paris Hilton – spoiled; wasted a goodopportunity.
A Danny DeVito – an ugly little five footer.
A Joe Pesci – a mean little five footer.
A Sonny Bono – straight into the trees.
An Elton John – a big bender that lips the rim.
A Kevin Rudd (or Pat Sajak) – too much spin.
A Bernie Madoff – a great lie and a lot of greento work with.
A Madonna – like a virgin, it's in there goodand tight.
A Ted Kennedy – goes in the water and jumps out.
A John F. Kennedy Jr. – didn’t quite make itover the water.
A Yasser Arafat – butt ugly and in the sand.
A Tony Montana – a guy who keeps having to hittwo balls off the tee. "Ok, I’m reloading now".
A Toyota – an approach shot that hits the greenand keeps on rolling.
A Necrophiliac Handjob – a dead pull.
A Girl Nextdoor – "She had it in her mouthand her mom walked in" (A putt that was in the hole, but then lips out).
A Condom – safe, but didn’t feel real good.
An Al Qaeda Camel – In the sand and sure to getfucked.
A Nursing Home Bus Crash – A whole lot of nastybreaks.
An Elephants Asshole – Its high and it stinks.
A Gay Midgets Mouth – Its low and it sucks.
A Brazilian – just shaved the hole.