Jokes

[Grant]

Hi all, if you have some quality/ hilarious jokes you'd like to share, or some funny quotes or sayings, post them here. We can all do with a good laugh.
I'll get the ball rolling..

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket
and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake,
and says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."

[Trish]

Hi all, if you have some quality/ hilarious jokes you'd like to share, or some funny quotes or sayings, post them here. We can all do with a good laugh.
I'll get the ball rolling..

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket
and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake,
and says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."

I suppose when reading this thread it's not a good idea to be eating or drinking!

Good one, Grant!! So as Elvis you'll be doing standup at the wedding too? :)

T.

[Razor]

TINS tale:

Several years ago I stopped by my bank to cash a check. There was a woman in front of me with her children. Her son, probably 5 or 6, was a little monster running around knocking things over bumping into people etc.

The other customers were all grumbling about junior's bad behavior so when he went running by mom she grabbed his arm and said "If you don't settle down and behave I'll tell grandma you were a bad boy when she comes to visit this afternoon." Junior looks up at mom and says "If you tell grandma I was a bad I'll tell her you had daddy’s pee-pee thing in your mouth last night"... You could have heard a pin drop…

Game, set, match… Smoking hole in the ground… Mom’s dead, juniors standing other the body and I’m trying so hard not to laugh it hurts!

[Razor]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that is my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Mercedes in the garage, no more Country Club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

The wife says, "Well, ours is much prettier!"

[Trish]

TINS tale:

Several years ago I stopped by my bank to cash a check. There was a woman in front of me with her children. Her son, probably 5 or 6, was a little monster running around knocking things over bumping into people etc.

The other customers were all grumbling about junior's bad behavior so when he went running by mom she grabbed his arm and said "If you don't settle down and behave I'll tell grandma you were a bad boy when she comes to visit this afternoon." Junior looks up at mom and says "If you tell grandma I was a bad I'll tell her you had daddy’s pee-pee thing in your mouth last night"... You could have heard a pin drop…

Game, set, match… Smoking hole in the ground… Mom’s dead, juniors standing other the body and I’m trying so hard not to laugh it hurts!

This one never fails to make me laugh. I think it has something to do with kids finally having something over their parents! YESSSSS!!! :D

T.

[Trish]

Grant, I just noticed your avatar of Ernesto Guevara. When I was getting my tattoo, a guy was getting your very avatar tattooed on his shoulder. It looked really cool!

T.

[Razor]

I don't why but I'm joke telling mood today... So here's a little cop humor.

Jeffrey Damher has his mother over for lunch. His mother say's "Jeffrey, I don't like your friends". Damher replies "Then just eat the vegetables".

[Razor]

This one never fails to make me laugh. I think it has something to do with kids finally having something over their parents! YESSSSS!!! :D

T.

Trish you should have been there... It's was priceless!

[Trish]

Wait! Razor, you were there when this story originated? I thought it was a joke someone made up because I've gotten it several times when friends foward jokes.

T.

[Grant]

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America`s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn`t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America
are named `Bush`, `Dick`, and `Colon`." -Chris Rock

I love Chris Rock & any of the Saturday Night Live crew. Sooooo funny. :D

[Razor]

Wait! Razor, you were there when this story originated? I thought it was a joke someone made up because I've gotten it several times when friends foward jokes.

T.

Yup... It was roughly 15 or 16 years ago... I've told that story about a thousand times over the years…

[Razor]

From Maggie:

Three friends, and Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, walk into a pub. They each order a pint. When their pints arrive they each find a fly in their beer.

The Englishman disgustedly pushes his beer away and sits there look rather disappointed.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out of his beer and drinks it.

The Irishman fishes the fly out of beer, shakes it and commands “Spit it out you little fucker”!

[Grant]

'I was in a hotel last week & i sat up in bed, turned on the tv and this televangelist
came on. So he says "you may not know it, but you have already sinned today"
I thought "my god, what could i have done? i only just woke up"
I turned to my sister, she didn't know either..


Note; Hooray, my 69th post. 69 wow, what a number.. :D

[Razor]

Dude, you’ve been punked…

About 5 years ago my company was exhibiting at trade show in Las Vegas. One of our network analysts for was hitting on every woman he could find, unfortunately (or fortunately depend on your point of view) he wasn't having any luck... Not surprising really, his approach consisted of walking up to a women and saying "Hi, how about we go someplace quiet and get something straight between us" or "Hi, nice shoes want to fuck".

The more he got shot down the harder he tried… It was really quite sad.

So being the caring and supportive boss that I am and seeing the opportunity to execute a practical joke of significant proportions, we (it’s a good idea to involve coconspirators in operations like this) decide to have a little fun at his expense.

After careful planning, that involved the creation of several detailed sketches on cocktail napkins and serious drinking, a plan was hatched, a girl was hired, a detailed briefing (using the aforementioned sketches) was conducted.

And then Karen, our highly trained and slightly intoxicated operative approached the victim, looked deeply into his and while fondling him asked “hey stud muffin want to fuck”… Our victim, also slightly intoxicated, stood there like a deer in the headlights and said… Umm… Err… Uhh… Umm… Err… She, being a highly trained, well paid operative, leaned in kissed him, said “Sorry to hear that” and walked away.

Yes it was cruel… But the look on his face when he saw her having drinks with his colleagues was priceless!

[Shine On Sandra]

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake,
and says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."

lol. Reminds me of one of the very first off-color jokes I heard in my childhood...the one with the worm that pokes it's head out of the flying bird's anus, looks down and says, "WHOAH! God-day-um! How high up are we??? to which the bird replies, "Oh, I'd say about 1,000 ft." (Now all together...everyone here at Sandra's forum shout out the punchline with me! Ready?) The worm looks up at the bird and says, "Are you shitting me!?!"

~SOS~

[Grant]

Anyone for some Rodney Dangerfield jokes..

"When i was a kid i was so ugly, my mum used to feed me with a slingshot"

"I drink too much. The last urine sample i gave had an olive in it"

"I took viagra & drank some prune juice. I don't know if i'm coming or going"

"When i was born i was so ugly, the doctor slapped my mum"


Now for an old groaner..
A ham sandwich walks into a bar & the bartender says "sorry mate, we don't serve food here"

[Grant]

Some more Rodney Dangerfield jokes..

I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine,
I don't need one.

When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo.
I found out he was trying to make a trade.

[Grant]

Any Seinfeld fans here?

The basic conflict between men and women sexually is that men are like firemen.
To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes.
Women are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right
for it to occur. -Jerry Seinfeld

I have a friend who’s collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard
in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He’s down there every week, waiting on the
lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs.
If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work,
I’m sure they’d give him a raise. -Jerry Seinfeld

[Grant]

3 old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher
runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has
a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

[Razor]

Mary came home just in time to find her husband, John, in bed with her best friend, Sue.

She took the lamp on the end table and smashed it over his head. With super-human strength borne of rage, she dragged his naked body down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the backyard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

As he started to come around, Mary picked up a hacksaw. He quickly realizes that he is in dire straits.

Terrified, he screams, "Stop! Please stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

Mary, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and says, "No. I'm just going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

[Razor]

Martha and Ralph had a ten-year-old son named George. One day Martha was cleaning up around young George's room when under the mattress she discovered, to her horror, a couple of S&M Magazines.

Martha in a state of shock quickly ran to the living room, where Ralph was sitting in his leather recliner contemplating the mysteries of life while smoking his pipe.

Martha handed the magazines to Ralph and excitedly said "Look what I found in little George's room... What should we do ???"

Ralph thumbed through the magazines for a while, pondering what he saw...

Slowly, he took a drag from his pipe and, with great deliberation and somber wisdom, said "Well, Martha, we probably shouldn't spank him."

[Razor]

From Maggie:


An Irish Toast…

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of my wife!"

This, of course won him top prize for best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

Joe, somewhat stretching the truth, said "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church besides me wife."

"Oh, that's very nice, John," Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled, leeringly, and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised me self, you know he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Grant]

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life.
Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened,
she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.

Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.

Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor,
but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

[Grant]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman
and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could
have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies,
"Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[Syllypryde]

'Twas a dark and snowy night when a trucker stops for red light
and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and honestly you are losing some of your load!" He ignores her again and continues down the street.

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He waves her off and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!" http://forums.teufelstomb.com/images/smiles/icon_hysterical.gif (javascript:emoticon(':duh-duhr:'))

[Syllypryde]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's
body in it.
Driver: Noproblem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too! http://www.fallengoddess.com/html/images/smilies/rotfl2.gif (http://www.fallengoddess.com/html/misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=0&forumid=3#)

[Syllypryde]

"Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute................

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.

If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it
v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.

If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.

If you have schizophrenia, listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press a number for you.

If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers. No one will be able to help you anyway.

If you are paranoid, you don't need to press anything. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

[Razor]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

True story... I was dispatched to investigate an accident one night. When arrived in the area I didn't see anything that would indicate an accident had occurred I was about to radio the dispatcher and clear the call when I spotted a guy standing at the end of his driveway and pointing into the woods across the road… There was a Pontiac “wrapped around a tree” about 30 or 40 feet off the road. I stopped the patrol car go out and the driver of the bent Pontiac comes staggering up to me and says… “Dude, I was driving along and this tree jumped out in front of me!”

[Syllypryde]

......I stopped the patrol car go out and the driver of the bent Pontiac comes staggering up to me and says… “Dude, I was driving along and this tree jumped out in front of me!”


I got in an accident in the college parking lot where I went to school with this girl. Her boyfriend wanted to kick my ass for hitting her car. When he pushed me, grabbed me by the shirt and then brought his fist up to hit me he asked me, "Why did you hit the front of her car with the side of your truck?" To this day I am still trying to figure out that one! :confused: I never saw a vehicle that could drive sideways!

Patrick http://forums.teufelstomb.com/images/smiles/icon_solo.gif (http://javascript<b></b>:emoticon(':widdilywiddilywiddlywockawockawooooooo :'))

[Grant]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the"Chicken
Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she
briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and Again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it Slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, And demands an
explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

[Syllypryde]

I live in Michigan. Canadians come to Michigan all the time. Here is a joke called The Gum:



A Michigan man was having coffee and croissants
with butterand jam in a diner when a Canadian man, chewing
gum,sat down next to him. The Michigan man politely
ignored the Canadian,who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The Canadian snapped his gum and said, "You Michigan folk eat the whole bread?"

The Michigan man frowned,annoyed with being bothered during his
breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The Canadian blew a huge bubble. "We don't.
In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The
crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into
croissants and sell them to Michigan."
The Canadian had a smirk on his face.

The Michigan man listened in silence. The Canadian persisted.
"D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, the Michigan man replied,
"Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the
Canadian said, "We don't. In Canada, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels,seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell it to Michigan"

The Michigan man then asked, "Do you have sex in Canada?"
The Canadian smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Michigan leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once
you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Michigan mans turn to smile.
"We don't. In Michigan, we put them
in a container, recycle them, melt them down
into chewing gum and sell them to the Canadians."

http://forums.teufelstomb.com/images/smiles/icon_hysterical.gif (javascript:emoticon(':duh-duhr:'))

[Shine On Sandra]

Maybe some of you haven't heard this before.

A guy goes into a restroom, and notices a man standing at the urinal with his hands madly flapping & waving around in front of him. Thinking he's either got cerebral palsey or is a poor spastic, the man goes to the urinal to do his business. "Excuse me, sir!" the guy next to him says. "Can you please help me? Can you unzip my fly for me so that I may relieve myself?" The man obliges. "Now can you please take my penis out & hold it while I pee?" Really uncomfortable now, but ever the good samaritan, the man does what is requested of him: 'hey, the guy's obviously handicapped & needs help... it's the politically correct thing to do!' the man reasons. "Now can you just please shake off my penis & put it back in my pants & zip me up?" the guy says. Glad that this is finally almost over & done with, the man obligies. "Oh, thank goodness!" the guy next to him says, and starts blowing on his hands. "I thought my fingernail polish would never dry!"

~SOS~

[Razor]

I got in an accident in the college parking lot where I went to school with this girl. Her boyfriend wanted to kick my ass for hitting her car. When he pushed me, grabbed me by the shirt and then brought his fist up to hit me he asked me, "Why did you hit the front of her car with the side of your truck?" To this day I am still trying to figure out that one! :confused: I never saw a vehicle that could drive sideways!

Patrick http://forums.teufelstomb.com/images/smiles/icon_solo.gif (http://javascript<b></b>:emoticon(':widdilywiddilywiddlywockawockawooooooo :'))

LOL... Cars can “drive” sideways; all you need is icy roads and stupid people behind the wheel!

We handled an accident one night were a guy had rear ended the woman in front of him… When we rolled up they were in class one scream and shove fest. We got them separated then interviewed them and the witnesses. While we’re doing the paperwork and waiting for the wrecker to haul away their bent cars they disappeared… So we go looking for them… We found them in nearby ally going at it like a couple of rabbits in heat!:icon_yike

[Syllypryde]

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to
go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his
old buddies, so he says to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going, coochy coo...?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have
a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer, my love?" Then
she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him
25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different
countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only
thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie
loolie...but the bar....you know.....the frozen
glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife
interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,
puppy face?" She takes a huge beer mug out of the
freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding
it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie
roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres
that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be
right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochie poo?" She opens the
oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors
d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom
caps, pork strips, etc.

"But, sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the
swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
"You want some dirty words, cutie pie?... here,
SIT THE FUCK DOWN -
DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG -
EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS -
YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE FUCKING BAR!!!!!
GOT IT ASSHOLE?!?!?!?!?!?!

[Razor]

A woman comes home from her annual physical and says to her husband. "The doctor says I'm in great shape there's nothing wrong with me".

Husband says "Really? He didn't say anything about your 40 year old ass?"

Wife replies "He didn't ask about you at all honey."

[Grant]

Has anyone heard of Rodney Rude?
Well he's an Australian comedian who specialises in adult humour (dirty stuff) and taking the piss out of things. He's soooo fucking hilarious and i have some limericks that he's done. Enjoy.

A bloke who worked for Fischer and Paykel
Rode to a toilet block on his cycle
As he stood at the trough
He heard someone cough
I think it was George fucking Michael

A terrorist by the name of Bin Laden
Was thinking while he played with his hard-on
He said i'd like to root a mamal
Or a fucking old camel
Or a dog tied up in my garden

[Syllypryde]

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman
can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends...

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey.

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"

What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toy's for Twats.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing!

Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a
blowjob.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods, so she ran up to him,
knocked him flat on his back. Sat on his face, and yelled, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What is the definition of wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

[Razor]

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

LOL... You have no idea how true that is... Ask any EMT or ER nurse! You wouldn't believe the things people try to insert into nether regions.

[Razor]

At the risk of offending everyone...

But this are just to funny.

http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html (http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html)

[Grant]

I have here a demonstration of the power of the human brain.
Let's see who else can read this. It's sure to confuse some..


Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. Olny srmat poelpe can.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn`t mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that
the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
still raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


If anyone needs a translation, let me know. :)

And Razor, that white trash christmas thing was sooo hilarious. I nearly wet myself laughing

[Syllypryde]

I have here a demonstration of the power of the human brain.
Let's see who else can read this. It's sure to confuse some..


I had no tlbuore rnidaeg the ppargarah, so taht msut mkae me one of the sramt oens! I ayawls kenw I was a gouines! http://www.fallengoddess.com/html/images/smilies/nerd.gif (http://www.fallengoddess.com/html/misc.php?do=getsmilies&wysiwyg=0&forumid=3#)

Pcirtak http://forums.teufelstomb.com/images/smiles/icon_solo.gif (javascript:emoticon(':widdilywiddilywiddlywockawo ckawooooooo:'))

[Grant]

Ok, so there's 2 guys, Alex and Bill, sitting at home drinking, when Alex leans over and lets one rip.
"Man, you got a loose ass!" says Bill, "no it's not" says Alex,
"Yes it is" says Bill again, so Alex tells him, "come over here and i'll prove it".
Alex drops his pants, bends over and says "ok, stick your finger in my ass". Well Bill's a bit hesitant, but he follows his orders and puts his finger in Alex's ass. Alex then says "ok now put 2 fingers in there" which Bill does.
"Ok, put 4 fingers in there", Bill does so. "Now put your whole hand in there"
so Bill slips his hand in. Alex says to Bill "put your other hand in there", so Bill now has 2 hands in Alex's ass. "Ok, now clap" goes Alex.
"I can't" says Bill
To which Alex replies, "see, tight isn't it.."

[Razor]

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

[Razor]

A man on his way home from work in downtown Ottawa came to a dead halt intraffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The Prime Minister is so depressed about the corruption scandals that he stopped his limo in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country hates him and he can't quit because he hasn't a big enough pension to retire. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh, really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about a hundred liters but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning.

[Razor]

1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart.
2. Form A Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down.
4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.
5. Stay Out Of The Water.
6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.
7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Please Let Others Go Ahead Of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others.
9. Quiet Please ...while Others Are Preparing To Go.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
Well Done -- Now Flush The Urinal, Go Outside And Tee Off.

[Razor]

Harper and Stronach are one a plane one day...

... and the turbulence is awful. Things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Her name
is Belinda.

She stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then a man from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane. His name is
Stephen. He is handsome: well built, tall and dark, beautiful eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One
button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps . . . .

He whispers . . . .

"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

[Razor]

Husband: "All you ever talk about at dinner is really bad things
happening to the ladies getting their hair done at the beauty shop."

Wife: "Well, at least there are exciting stories to tell when I get
home. Nothing ever happens at your dull old factory."

Husband: "We make dynamite."

[Grant]

A guy was going down on a chick and he's really going at it, but then, he finds a little bit of carrot inside her. Somewhat confused, he picks it up, looks at it then tosses it aside and goes back to the task at hand. He continues what he's doing and next thing he knows, he finds a pea. He looks at it and thinks that she must have some sort of fetish or something, so he throws the pea away. Anyway, he goes back to pleasuring the girl when he finds a bit of corn. Disgusted, he jumps up and shouts
"I've had enough of this, you're sick!"
the girl replies "No i'm not, but the guy before you was"

[Razor]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.

He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said.

"Did your mother give it to you?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in my life - cars and men."

They continued to talk and finally she asked "What's your name"?

"Beerfuck," he replied.

[Razor]

The Packer Fan

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi
days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together. "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."



The Packer Fan In Heaven

A devout Packer fan died and had just arrived in heaven (that's where all Packer fans go you know). He was talking to an angel trying to get the low down on what heaven was going to be like. He asked the angel if there were any former packers in heaven. The angel replied, "Sure,all the greats are here."

He then asked the angel if they played football and the angel replied that in heaven, every day is Packer Sunday and the Pack always wins. Being very excited the fan asked if Vince Lombardi was there and as he asked, he saw a man with dark rimmed glasses, a heavy overcoat, and a cap that looked strangely like the one Vince Lombardi wore in the Ice Bowl. When asked excitedly if that was him, if that was Vincent T. Lombardi, the angel replied, "No, that was just God. He just thinks he's Lombardi."



The Light Bulb

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb at Lambeau Field?
A: Three. One to change it and two to talk about how good the old one was.


Cold Feet

On the night after the Ice Bowl, Vince Lombardi got into bed with his wife, Marie. Marie said "God your feet are cold". Vince said, "In bed you may call me Vincent, Dear!"

It is believed that this is actually a true story.



The Ring

Q: What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.



What About Iowa?

Q: Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football team?
A: Because Minnesota would want one too.



The River

Q: What separates the one good team from the bad teams in the NFC Central?
A: The Wisconsin border.



The Dog

A man walked into a bar and sat down for a drink. He noted a dog intently watching a Packers - Bears game. Whenever the Packers scored, the dog would jump onto the bar and do an animated dance. This happened over and over as the Packers scored again and again, and at the end of
the game the dog let out a loud howl and ran out of the bar.

The man thought this was pretty unusual and asked the bartender, "Gee that's amazing. What happens when the Bears win?"

The bartender replied "I don't know, the dog's only 4 years old."

[Shine On Sandra]

A guy was going down on a chick and he's really going at it, but then, he finds a little bit of carrot inside her. Somewhat confused, he picks it up, looks at it then tosses it aside and goes back to the task at hand. He continues what he's doing and next thing he knows, he finds a pea. He looks at it and thinks that she must have some sort of fetish or something, so he throws the pea away. Anyway, he goes back to pleasuring the girl when he finds a bit of corn. Disgusted, he jumps up and shouts
"I've had enough of this, you're sick!"
the girl replies "No i'm not, but the guy before you was"

Killing Zoe. :)

~SOS~

[Grant]

The Ring

Q: What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.
I don't know much about NFL teams, but i thought i could add something to it..

Q: What do you call a Minnesota Viking with 2 Super Bowl rings?
A: A good thief.

[Mr SunShine]

Q: What is yellow, black and very dangerous?
A: A canary with a machinegun

[Razor]

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They think the world revolves around them.

Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? More head room!

Why don't blondes eat pickles? Because they get their heads stuck in the jar. or Because the jars have lids, not zippers.

Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm.

What do blondes say after making love? Are you boys all on the same team?"

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.

What do blondes and turtles have in common? Once on their back, they're screwed.

What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down? A brunette. with bad breath.

[Mr SunShine]

A blond woman removed her earplugs and almost instantly died.
When the police came to the scene and listened to what she had been listening they heard these strange thing "breathe in, breathe out, breath in , breath out...."

[Razor]

12. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? They know how many men went down on the Titanic.
13. What's the mating call of a blonde? I'm sooooooo drunk!
14. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? "Way to go, team!
15. How can you tell if a blonde owns a vibrator? Chipped teeth.
16. Why did the blonde have square breasts? She forget to take the Kleenex out of the box.
17. How can you tell that a blonde has been using your computer? There's white-out on the screen.
18. Why do blondes have so much free time? Because so little is expected of them.
19. What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes? An interpreter.
20. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Three. One to mix the batter, two to peel the M&M’s
21. How do you drive a blonde insane? Ask her to alphabetize your M&M’s
22. How do you keep a blonde baby amused? Give her a mirror and some makeup.

[Razor]

23) What do you call a blonde wearing a brunette wig? Artificial intelligence.
24) What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head? All you can eat for under a buck.
25) Why is it so difficult for a blonde to get a driver's license? They can't reach the pedals from the back seat.
26) How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They only screw in cars.
27) What's the difference between a blonde and a Ferrari? You can usually find a guy who hasn't been in a Ferrari.
28) What do you call three blondes standing shoulder to shoulder? A wind tunnel.
29) What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? She goes home.
30) Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than a horse? So when they're waving in a parade, they don't crap in the street.
31) How do you tell if a bleached blonde did your landscaping? The bush in front is a different color than the other foliage.
32) What did the blonde have tattooed on her inner thigh? Welcome home, USS Saratoga.
33) What's the similarity between a blonde and a plate of Jell-O? They both quiver when you eat them.
34) What do you call a blonde with a PhD. in nuclear engineering? Honey.
35) How does a blonde know that she's slept with an elephant? She's pregnant for 23 months.
36) What's the best way to murder a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of the swimming pool.
37) What do you call three blondes on the bottom of a pool? An air bubble.
38) What's the difference between blondes and whores? Blondes wiggle more when they walk.
39) What is the difference between a blonde and a brunette whore? The color of her hair.
40) Did you hear about the blonde that like younger men? She started sleeping with Cub Scouts, but her doctor make her quit when she got up to three packs a day.
41) Blondes put perfume behind their ears. What do brunettes have to put behind their ears to attract men? Their knees.
42) Why did the blonde have a sore belly button? Her boyfriend was a blonde too.
43) Is it true that blondes have more fun? No, but their boyfriends do!
44) What do you call fifteen blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
45) If Tarzan and Jane were blondes, what would Cheetah be? The smartest of the three.

[Grant]

I'll add my two cents worth..

How does a blonde kill a bird? She throws it off a cliff.

How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it.


Note: It is actually possible to drown a fish. We may need a new joke..

[Razor]

:icon_peac (I Promiss this is the last of them!):icon_peac

What would happen if Pee Wee Herman were a blonde? He would have had something better in his hand.
What would the press have called Jeffrey Dahmer, if he were blonde? That silly psychopathic murderer.
What is it so hard to teach a blonde to drive? They keep getting in the back seat. Or They think the steering wheel's a clothes rack.
Why don't blondes get coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain them.
What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot .
Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? They can't fit the bottles into the typewriter.
Why don't blondes make good cowboys? They can't keep their calves together.
Why do blondes put fur on the bottom of their dresses? To keep their necks warm.
How come blondes wear large hoop earrings? Ankle rests.
How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? Blow in her ear.
What goes nvroom-screech, nvroom-screech, nvroom-screech? A blonde driver at a blinking red light.
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
What does a blonde consider "safe sex”? A padded dashboard.
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? Tell her a joke on Friday.
How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Why did the blonde think her typewriter was pregnant? It skipped a period.
A blonde and a brunette both fall out of a 30th floor window. Who hit the ground first? The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? She couldn't get used to sitting up in a car.
Why do blondes write "TGIF” on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Why was the blonde so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 18 months? Because the box said "2-4 Years”.
What’s one advantage of being married to a blonde? You get to park in the handicapped zone.
Two blondes walked into a bar.......which wasn't very smart. You would think the second blonde would have learned when the first one hit her head.
What blondes and television sets have in common? Even a two year old can turn them on.
What do blondes and bowling balls have in common? They keep getting fingered and thrown in the gutter.
What do blondes and dish rags have in common? They keep getting used and thrown in with the trash.

[Mr SunShine]

Two blondes are waiting for the traffic light.
Then suddenly one of them says "it's green"
A frog?

what is:
Blond and dumb?
Pamela Anderson

Blond and black?
Naomi Campbell

Blond and smart?
a dog

[Mr SunShine]

What's a blonde when she has two braincells? Pregnant

[Mr SunShine]

Sex sex sex sex you talk only about sex!! Lets talk about the weather.
Ok, it's nice weather for sex don't you think?

[Frenchy]

... Ok, it's nice weather for sex don't you think?

If It's your avatar says, of course I think It's nice weather !!!!

[Mr SunShine]

If It's your avatar says, of course I think It's nice weather !!!!

That's the truth, AllTheTrue:icon_yes:

[Mr SunShine]

for the women:

Young guys are like tomatoes.
They are juicy and full of seeds

[Mr SunShine]

An American, a nun, a German and a blonde girl are sitting in a train. When the trains drives through a dark tunnel there is a sound of a hit. When the train gets out of the tunnel it appears that the German has a blue eye.
The German thinks : The American touched the blonde girl, she wanted to hit him and by accident she hit me instead.
The nun thinks : The German touched the girl and the girl punched him on the eye.
The blonde thinks : The German touched the nun, and she kicked him back.
The American thinks : in the next tunnel I will hit him again.

[Razor]

A really bad Joke from the owner of my favorite Chinese restaurant…

Q) How can you tell if there’s a good Chinese restaurant in the neighborhood?
A) No stray cats. :icon_no:

[Syllypryde]

A doctor of a mental institution was doing his daily rounds checking on his patients. He walks into the first room and he sees the patient clenching two fists and moving them in a circle. "How are you doing?" asks the doctor. The patient says, "I am going to be a racecar driver when I get out of here." "You are doing good. Keep it up" encouraged the doctor.

He walks into the second room and sees the patient with his arms out to his sides running around the room. "How are you doing?" asks the doctor. The patient says, "I am going to be a pilot when I get out of here." "You are doing good. Keep it up" encouraged the doctor.

He walks into the third room and sees the patient completely naked with a peanut on the end of his penis. The doctor asks, "What are you going to do when you get out of here?" The patient says "I'm fucking nuts. I'm never getting out of here!"

[Syllypryde]

An HMO representative pays a visit to a local hospital. He wanted to make sure the patients were getting the proper care. He has the doctor show him around the hospital. They get to the first room and see a patient in there furiously masturbating.

"What kind of health care is this?!" screams the representative. "Do you care to explain this to me?" The doctor says "He is suffering from an extremely rare condition where his testicles rapidly fill up with semen. If he does not release the semen every 10 minutes, his testicles will explode and he will die." "That is so awful!" said the representative.

The two of them walk to the second room and see a nurse on her knees performing oral sex on a patient. "What kind of health care is this?!" screams the representative. "Do you care to explain this to me?" The doctor says "Same condition, better health care."

[Scotch]

Two women begin a part of golf, when the first one that has just hit, sees his bullet to leave heading for a man and to bump it violently.

The lady sees the man to put immediately its hands between its thighs and to collapse twisted pain in the fetal position. She hurries herself to be going to see it and to be sorry. She explains for him next that she is physiothérapeute and that being responsible and guilty, she proposes herself to attempt to diminish his pain.

-Oooh... No, nooon!! This is not necessary, all will go for the better in some minutes... (replies him the injured with the cut breath and the 2 hands between the legs)

But she insists for him to do the treatment and finally it leaves himself to do. Delicately she releases the hands of the injured of its jambres, opens his pants and places hers to the interior while massing it gently. After some minutes, she asks for him:

-How you feel?

-Hum, thank-you, that does good... but I always have a thumb ache!!!!

[Scotch]

Suggestion d'augmentation...

This is a secretary that does to shout at itself by his employer.

It asks for him: - Miss, I propose you an increase. The principle is simple: I throw 500 francs on the ground and if you collect them before I did although this be, they are for you.

The girl asks to reflect in order about it to speak with his husband. Once at her place, she explains the position to his husband.

It says for him: - Try to see and, if that walks, you will be done pognon.

Then it takes a ticket of 500 francs, the pier on the ground and, before it was able to remove his belt, his woman collected the ticket. It recommences and, this time, it has even not the time to open his fly.

Then it says for him: - it is good, accept you this that your employer proposes you, and one will have pognon.

Evenings, it returns to take his woman and there, horror! She all is messed the hair and walks as a cow-boy.

Terrified, the husband asks for him: - Ben what that arrives you?

His woman replies for him then: - Ben, my employer, called me and it threw 500 francs on the ground. - And did not succeed you as yesterday?. - I HAOULD been able if it was not in pieces of a franc!!!

[Razor]

http://www.fcuk.com/campaign_06ss_video_film.html

[Scotch]

http://www.fcuk.com/campaign_06ss_video_film.html


Excellent!
The end is not poorly, a big kiss and a head blow. :icon_mrgr

[JustIn]

http://www.fcuk.com/campaign_06ss_video_film.html

Sjeez, what a way to pick up a lady! I always just go with: "Don't you know me from somewhere?"

I guess the point of the commercial is to show what a bad quality clothing they make and how easy it is to rip it apart...:icon_lol:

[JustIn]

Excellent!
The end is not poorly, a big kiss and a head blow. :icon_mrgr

Yes, I had one of those "love/hate"-relationships once. I'm telling you it's not good for ya!

[Scotch]

Yes, I had one of those "love/hate"-relationships once. I'm telling you it's not good for ya!


Then to come back to the video, this is not very beautiful of the girls that fight. :icon_yike
Even if that a fiction!

[Frenchy]

A nice fight when I want to see more often :icon_yes:

[Razor]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?," might have turned out something like this.



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[Lady V]

Raz, that was funny as hell man! OMG, I was ROFLMAO!!! :bowdown: :bowdown:

[Razor]

Raz, that was funny as hell man! OMG, I was ROFLMAO!!! :bowdown: :bowdown:Thanks V, just trying to make amends for all those bad blonde jokes... :icon_no:

[Razor]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[Mr SunShine]

A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Mr SunShine]

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, 'Let me tell you how tough I am. I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outta there!' and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, 'You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's sugar.' With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, 'Hey, where are YOU going?'

The third mouse says, 'I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat.'

[Mr SunShine]

Two aliens landed on a farm. The farmer and his wife took the aliens in and showed them their way of life and everything. One day the farmer and his wife get to talking. The farmer asks his wife, "I wonder what the aliens do for sex?" The farmer's wife replied, "I don't know. Do you want to find out?" The farmer agrees.

So, that night, the farmer took the female alien up to one room while his wife took the male alien up to another room. As the wife was getting into bed, she looked down at the alien's pecker and starts laughing. "You've got to be kidding me!" she laughed.

The alien told her to wait for a moment. Then he slapped his cheeks and pulled his ears and the thing grew to a very impressive size. The next day, the farmer asks his wife, "So, how was your night?" She replied, "Oh, it was wonderful. It was the best night of my life! How was yours?" "Well, not so good," replied the farmer, "all she kept doing all night was slapping my cheeks and pulling my ears."

[Grant]

Little Johnny was in class one day when his teacher asks them 'who knows what indifferent means?' Little Johnny puts his hand up, but the teacher is hesitant to call upon him cause of his fowl language. She asks the other children, but with no success. In the end, she relents and politely asks Johnny what indifferent means. "It means nice, miss" says Johnny. Stunned by his answer, the teacher asks him to explain his answer. "Well, last night i heard mummy and daddy talking in bed. Mummy said 'ooh, that's nice' and daddy said 'yeah, it's in different"

[Mr SunShine]

Little Johnny was in class one day when his teacher asks them 'who knows what indifferent means?' Little Johnny puts his hand up, but the teacher is hesitant to call upon him cause of his fowl language. She asks the other children, but with no success. In the end, she relents and politely asks Johnny what indifferent means. "It means nice, miss" says Johnny. Stunned by his answer, the teacher asks him to explain his answer. "Well, last night i heard mummy and daddy talking in bed. Mummy said 'ooh, that's nice' and daddy said 'yeah, it's in different"
:D :D :D

[Mr SunShine]

Once a boy came crying from school. When he arrived to his house, he told he dad still crying, "Dad, a kid in school called me gay."

"Hit him next time." The dad said.

"No...he's too cute."

:icon_dizz :D

[Grant]

Two criminals wanted for 1st degree murder were walking through a forest one night. The first guy says "Jeez it's creepy in here" the second bloke replies "you think you're scared, i've gotta walk out of here alone!"
:icon_chai

[Mr SunShine]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
'Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?'
The man below says: 'Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.'

'You must work in Information Technology' says the balloonist.

'I do' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well' says the balloonist, 'Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone.'

The man below says, 'You must work in business.'

'I do' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.'

[Mr SunShine]

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, ''Sorry, there's no broccoli.''

So the man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, "There is no broccoli."

So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, ''Spell cat, as in catastrophe.''

''C-A-T,'' the man answered.

The waiter then asked, ''Spell dog as in dogmatic.''

The man said ''D-O-G.''

''Now spell fuck, as in broccoli,'' the waiter said.

The man yelled ''THERE'S NO FUCK IN BROCCOLI!''

The waiter laughed, ''EXACTLY!!"

[Grant]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport runway. When it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, the terrified passengers scream hysterically.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "you know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

[Mr SunShine]

Great Joke Grant :D
I have another one

Two blondes are walking on opposites sides of the river. Blonde#1 screams to Blonde#2 "How did you get on the other side."

Blonde#2 yells back "Silly...you're on the other side!"

[Razor]

Funniest Newspaper headline I've seen this year:

"Sheep abused during filming of Broke Back Mountain"

Did someone say Baaaaaa. :icon_lol:

[Grant]

Funniest Newspaper headline I've seen this year:

"Sheep abused during filming of Broke Back Mountain"

Did someone say Baaaaaa. :icon_lol:Lol. It must've been a gay male sheep.

[Razor]

So have you heard? FedEx and UPS are going to merge... The new company is going to be called FedUp...:icon_peac

[Razor]

This is to funny... What would have happened if Benny Hill had been hired to edit Basic Instinct 2?

http://media.putfile.com/Benny-Instinct

[Razor]

Lawyer: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Razor]

This was sent to me buy a friend:

All I need to know about life I learned from my dog.

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.
If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss.
Be aware of when to hold you tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Don’t go out without I.D.
Always give people a friendly greeting – a cold nose in the crotch is effective.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you’re dragged out from under the bed).
Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
When you go out into the world, remember: always take time out to smell the roses... and trees, grass, rocks, fire hydrants...

[Grant]

Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car?

A: Don't go out with her again..

[Grant]

Q: What's green and smells like pork?


A: Kermit's finger.

[Grant]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more.

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time.

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country...we
don`t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin` abouta sex?

I`m a justa tellin` my frienda how to spell "Mississippi`."

[Syllypryde]

A very ugly woman walks into Walmart with her two kids. One of the salespeople walk up to her and ask her if she needs any help finding anything. "I will be fine" said the ugly woman. "Just out of curiosity" the saleperson continues, "are your children twins?" The ugly woman replies, "No, they are not twins. Why do you ask?" The salesperson says, "Because I find it hard to believe you got laid twice!"

[Razor]

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.
Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
I look good on you.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?
You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, mead till hard, and serve hot.
Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.
You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
The word for the night is legs, legs go back to my room and spread the word.
Hey baby, what's your name? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore"
Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
Hello gorgeous, what say we go some place quite and get something straight between us?
Nice shoes, wanna shag?

[Grant]

A blonde walks into a casino and tells the dealers she would like to bet $20000 on a number but asks them if it would be alright for her to take her clothes off because she feels luckier that way.
The dealers do no object so the chick strips off completely, throws the dice and begins hopping around exalted that she's won, gives everybody a big hug, takes her money and leaves.
After a while one of the dealers says to the other:

"Hey, did you see what dice she threw?"
"No, I thought you did!"

The moral of the story is this: not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[Grant]

A woman wants to have surgery to have her vagina tightened and tucked for her husband as an anniversary gift. She tells the surgeon that NOBODY must know about the operation. It must be kept a secret! The surgeon agrees and after the operation he stops by to visit the patient. She is furious and yells, "I thought this operation was supposed to be a secret! THERE ARE THREE SETS OF FLOWERS ON MY DRESSER!"
"Take it easy" the Doctor says. The first set are from me and the second set are from the Anesthesiologist."
"Well, how about the third set?" She asks.
The Doctor goes over and looks at the card. "Ah! They are from the little kid in the burn ward thanking you for the new ears."

[Grant]

Not really a joke, but something funny i stumbled upon one time.


Once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and
spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there
came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, "
'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.

[Wild Honey]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they
>>aren't
>> >prepared for the answer.
>> >
>> > In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
>> >first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He
>> >approached
>> >her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
>> >
>> > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
>>you
>> >since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
>> >disappointment
>> >to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
>>talk
>> >about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
>>haven't
>>
>> >the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
>>two-bit
>>
>> >paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
>> >
>> > The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
>>across
>>
>> >the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
>> >
>> > She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
>> >was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
>>He
>>
>> >can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
>> >one
>> >of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife
>> >with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
>> >
>> > The defense attorney almost died.
>> >
>> > The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a
>> > very
>> >quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
>>I'll
>> >send you to the electric chair."

[Razor]

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog (?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[Wild Honey]

MAKES MY EYES TEAR -UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING

----- A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar,
Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
Different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...
they have frozen Glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"


"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.


"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."


"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS
DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"


and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

[Grant]

How many dyslexics does it change to take a lightbulb?

[Razor]

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little...

As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!"

The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

[CrazyCop]

LOL.......Thats ones good........boy. :)

[Grant]

Hahaha, nice one Jeff. :icon_bigg
My turn..



Q: How do you turn a duck into a blues singer?

A: Put him in the oven until his bill withers.

[Grant]

The man who invented the Hokey Pokey dance died last week. I went to his funeral yesterday.
It took them 4 hours to bury the bastard..
Every time they'd put his left leg in the casket, they would take it out again. Then put it back in, and shake it about.
Then they'd all do the hokey pokey and turn around.

Longest funeral i've ever been to. :icon_lol:

[Razor]

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Trish]

http://vili.us/hypno.html

[Trish]

http://www.fcuk.com/campaign_06ss_video_film.html

:icon_redf I loved it!

[Syllypryde]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[Syllypryde]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer
for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and
searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the
only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began
to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he
would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
life.

The moral of the story?

When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

[Syllypryde]

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why
killa blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

[Grant]

Martin: I sent my picture off to a lonely hearts club.
Bill: Really, how did it go?
Martin: They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

[Shine On Sandra]

A little old lady inherits a female parrot with a penchant for profanity that keeps saying things like, "I'M A WHORE! I'M A WHORE!" One day when visiting an acquaintance who also owns parrots, a couple of males, she marvels that these two parrots each have a pair of rosary beads in their little claws, and appear to always be counting them, while looking Heavenward. Thinking that these two birds would be a wonderful, Christian influence on her pottymouthed little parrot, she talks the owner of the two pious parrots into taking her parrot for awhile. But sure enough as soon as the female parrot is put in the cage with the others, she starts piping, "I'M A WHORE, I'M A WHORE!" Then one of the male parrots nudges the other and says, "You can put the rosary beads away... our prayers have been answered!"

[Razor]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it will rise for as long as you wish"

The guy asks, "What happens when I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year." Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than any previous time in his life - just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

[Grant]

Q: What has a bottom at the top?

A: A leg.

Q: What's green, has 6 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?

A: A pool table.

[Syllypryde]

Recently in San Diego, California a Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice
said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

[A.J. Angel]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor, and had a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -- two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

[A.J. Angel]

One day, Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the
trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you
how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground
and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

[A.J. Angel]

A language teacher was teaching her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are gramatically designated as masculine or femine.

"'House' in French is femine -- la maison. 'Pencil' in French is masculine -- le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The french teacher didn't know, and the word wasn't in her french dictionary. So for fun, she split the class into two groups, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to provide four reasons for their recommendations.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be the feminine gender because:

1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native languague they use to communicate is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:

1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data, but they can't function on their own.
3) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.
4) As soon as you commit yourself to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[A.J. Angel]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...".

[A.J. Angel]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello"? She cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder.... But still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far away: "Hello, we're down here...."

[Surfer Babe]

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello"? She cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder.... But still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a voice from far away: "Hello, we're down here...."
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_101.gif

[Trish]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say
hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from.



So he says, "Do you know me?"To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery. "



She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[Grant]

I was watching Hot Shots on tv today and heard this little number:



What do you do to an elephant with 3 balls?

Make him walk and pitch to the rhino.

[A.J. Angel]

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

[A.J. Angel]

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart spasm," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart spasm and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

[Grant]

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.

The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):" Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

[A.J. Angel]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, Interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral of the Story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

[A.J. Angel]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

[A.J. Angel]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[A.J. Angel]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[A.J. Angel]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need on his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

[Syllypryde]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young
woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she
became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step
of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise
her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover! that
she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step. Once again, much to
her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a
large Texan, who was standing behind
her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently
on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to
the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch
my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kind'! a figured we was friends."

[A.J. Angel]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[A.J. Angel]

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

[A.J. Angel]

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the jail.

Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's . . . just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

[A.J. Angel]

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

[Grant]

Adam was walking through the garden of Eden one fine day, when God popped down to see him.
"Hello Adam" said God.
"Oh, hi God" Adam replied.
"What have you been up to on this glorious day i created?" asked God
"Not too much" said Adam, "I just had sex with Eve. She's gone down to the river to bathe"
God looked at Adam.. "She did WHAT!!" he exclaimed "Oh that's just GREAT! Now we'll never get the smell out of the fish"

[Syllypryde]

The teacher was conducting her english class and wanted the students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. The kids raise their hands and she calls on Megan. "What have you got?" said the teacher. Megan says, "I was fascinated by the lions at the zoo." "That's great..." said the teacher, "but I want you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated or fascinating."

Then she calls on Julie. "What have you got?" said the teacher. Julie says, "I found the new birth of my baby brother quite fascinating." "That's great..." said the teacher, "but I want you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated or fascinating."

The teacher sees Little Johnny raising his hand. She is very hesitant on calling on him because he has burned her before. But then again, how is he going to mess up the word 'fascinate' she thought. So reluctantly, she calls on Little Johnny. "What have you got?" said the teacher. Little Johnny says, "My aunt has a cashmire sweater with ten buttons on it, but since her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

[A.J. Angel]

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

[A.J. Angel]

A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"

To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am listening to music!!"

The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.

He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."

"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"

[Steven]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


AGENT MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

BILL CLINTON: We categorically deny the chicken did cross the road and any allegations to the contrary by the right-wing extremists should be postponed until I am out of office.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking aroud all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down!

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[Steven]

The Baby Photographer"

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to
Use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the
Proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye
And said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
Photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to
Make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
"I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
In and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing,
"Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
On the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And
Sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread
Out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
Seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love
To be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
Disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
Portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top
Of a bus," he said.

"Oh my G~d!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
Consider her mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
The job done right. People were crowding around four and
Five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
Amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. And for more than three
Hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling -
I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began
Nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually
Chewed on your, um... Equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
Tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon
On. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long!!!"

Mrs. Smith fainted!!

[Razor]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie
XOXO;

Maggie

[Syllypryde]

Q: What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A: How can we find any eggs in all this shit?

[A.J. Angel]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."
"Marvelous," says the man,

"book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[CrazyCop]

This is so true.....


http://7.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/5/8/collegehumor.f49eea55f6e2657e8c04d1b83dc31d80.jpg

[IndustrialGrl83]

This is so true.....


http://7.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/5/8/collegehumor.f49eea55f6e2657e8c04d1b83dc31d80.jpg




especially the last one!!

[CrazyCop]

especially the last one!!
Exactly.......I know the kids of today really are missing out on the classics.

[CrazyCop]

What do you guys think of this? A tenant decided to grade his landlady's memo.

http://0.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.7a038ceee3bfd6c1e666938a4c047fe4.jpg

[Grant]

What do you guys think of this? A tenant decided to grade his landlady's memo.

http://0.content.collegehumor.com/d1/ch6/e/a/collegehumor.7a038ceee3bfd6c1e666938a4c047fe4.jpg: rofl2::lol:
It brings back memories of my school work..

[Grant]

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. . . promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick and witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. . . she didn’t seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh f$%^,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

[marco]

:rofl2:
very nice indeed, Grant!



The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. . . promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy.
At around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself, having a quick and witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. . . she didn’t seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When I asked her why, she said “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh f$%^,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

[Syllypryde]

A woman is on her balcony on the 40th floor shaking the dirt off of one of her throw rugs. However, the rug gets caught under her feet, tripping her and making her fall over the balcony. She is screaming at the top of her lungs falling straight to her death.

All of a sudden a man standing on his balcony on the 31st floor catches her in his arms. In relief the woman says, "Oh thank you, sir. I thought I was going to die for sure. I don't know how I could ever repay you!" The man replies, "Do you give head?" The woman says, "Yuck! That is so gross." The man drops her over the balcony.

Again, she is screaming at the top of her lungs falling straight to her death. All of a sudden a man standing on his balcony on the 25th floor catches her in his arms. In relief the woman says, "Oh thank you, sir. I thought I was going to die for sure. I don't know how I could ever repay you!" The man replies, "Will you have sex with my girlfriend while I watch?" The woman says, "I am straight. I only like men." The man drops her over the balcony.

Once again, she is screaming at the top of her lungs falling straight to her death. All of a sudden a man standing on his balcony on the 17th floor catches her in his arms. In relief the woman says, "Oh thank you, sir. I thought I was going to die for sure. I don't know how I could ever repay you!" The man replies, "Do you do anal?" The woman says, "Why would you want to do such a lewd thing?" The man drops her over the balcony.

Surprised that 3 different men could catch her and save her from death, she was even more shocked to have those same 3 men throw her back over the balcony to die. Now she knows she is going to die for sure. At this point she realized it was useless to scream or to even pray.

But by some dumb luck a man standing on his balcony on the 8th floor catches her in his arms. In relief the woman exclaims in desperation, "Please don't drop me over the balcony! I will do anything! I will give you head, have sex with your girlfriend, I will even do anal! I will do anything you want! Just please do not drop me over the balcony!" The man replies, "Damn whore!" and drops her over the balcony.

[Razor]

From Dana...

Ole

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, and you were born in July."

XOXO;

Maggie

[marco]

Good one !

:rofl2:

Thanks Maggie (and thanks Dana too!)


From Dana...

Ole

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, and you were born in July."

XOXO;

Maggie

[Razor]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[CrazyCop]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
Hee he he

[marco]

:rofl2:


DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

[marco]

A little old lady, well into her seventies, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong ttthhhaaatt allllssssoo vvviiibbrraaatteeesss?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

[Syllypryde]

A guy with land near Centenial, Colo. buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
Pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should
try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

[Grant]

A guy with land near Centenial, Colo. buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
Pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should
try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'
:rofl2::lol: Nice one.

[Razor]

How The Fight Started

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . and that's when the fight started . . .

[marco]

:rofl2:



A guy with land near Centenial, Colo. buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
Pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should
try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

[marco]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.”
Embarrassed, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, buddy! I'm talking to that asshole next to you."

[Grant]

How The Fight Started

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . and that's when the fight started . . .:rofl2::rofl2: I think he might have been Grumpy.

I've heard that one somewhere before, but i can't remember where.



A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.”
Embarrassed, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, buddy! I'm talking to that asshole next to you.":lol:
Nice one Marco.

[marco]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband. It was laid out in four floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands.
First floor The door had a sign reading, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and have strong romantic tendencies." "Wow," said the women, "But, just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fourth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign read, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

[Razor]

Try this... go to www.google.com (http://www.google.com) type "find Chuck Norris" in the search box and click the I'm feeling lucky button. :D :lol:

[Grant]

Try this... go to www.google.com (http://www.google.com) type "find Chuck Norris" in the search box and click the I'm feeling lucky button. :D :lol::lol: Nice one..

[Wild Honey]

>If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
>third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas ,
>you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
>the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
>parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an
>inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
> Springfield , IL
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
>directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
>assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't

>be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
>during the tasting, so I accepted."
>
>
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
>Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
>Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
>could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
>the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>************************************************** ***
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>seriously.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
>what
>
>I'm
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

>to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>*********************************************ize=2>>
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>
>Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
>Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
>feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
>now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
>back,now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
>drunk from all of the beer.
>
>
>********************************************size=2>>
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

>or other mild foods not much of a chili.
>
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
>unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
>beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
>is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
>chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>************************************************** ***
>
>
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
>and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
>needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
>her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
>bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
>I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
>asked me to stop screaming.
>
>
CONTINUED BELOW

[Wild Honey]

>************************************************** ***
>
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers.=20
>
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>garlic.
>Superb.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
>gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
>worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
>behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
>wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
>
>
>************************************************** ***
>
>
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
>of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
>worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
>is cursing uncontrollably.
>
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

>slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
>shirt.
>At
>least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
>stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If

>I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>************************************************** ***
>
>
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>
>
>
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
>passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
>
>Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
>reacted to really hot chili?
>
>Judge # 3 - No Report

[Dr.Zoidberg]

:lol::lol::lol:

Last year, a friend of me sent this report in a Email. I laughed so much that i started crying!

Thanky you Wild Honey!!! :aok::yourock:

[Wild Honey]

:lol::lol::lol:

Last year, a friend of me sent this report in a Email. I laughed so much that i started crying!

Thanky you Wild Honey!!! :aok::yourock:

I know that was hysterical! :lol: You are very welcome.:icon_hug:

[Razor]

I know that was hysterical! :lol: You are very welcome.:icon_hug:
:rofl2::lol:

Jesus H. Christ! That's twice today you've made me waste a perfectly good Snapple! :bee:

[Wild Honey]

:rofl2::lol:

Jesus H. Christ! That's twice today you've made me waste a perfectly good Snapple! :bee:

I thought you would enjoy that one! :lol:

[Razor]

I thought you would enjoy that one! :lol:
LOL, oh yeah... We used to have Pastor at our church who made what he called "Salvation Chili"... If you didn't know the Lord you would after the first bite. :icon_yike :lol:

[Wild Honey]

LOL, oh yeah... We used to have Pastor at our church who made what he called "Salvation Chili"... If you didn't know the Lord you would after the first bite. :icon_yike :lol:

Thats great.clap_smile

I'll never look at a snowcone the same again thats for damn sure.:bolt:

[Razor]

Thats great.clap_smile

I'll never look at a snowcone the same again thats for damn sure.:bolt:Yeah, I think I'm just going to swear off snowcones altogether. :icon_yes: :lol:

[Grant]

Karen, that was hilarious!

Sounds like he's shitting out napalm..
"I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water" :lol:

[Razor]

I stopped by a local hardware store on the way home this afternoon and spotted a new sign that says "Hippies please use side entrance" in the front window... There is no side entrance. :oops::lol:

[Razor]

From Leeann...

Why do men get paid more at the sperm bank than the blood bank?

Because sperm is hand made.

Doh! :icon_yike http://img168.imageshack.us/img168/700/4617690iconnocz9.gif :bolt: :lol:

XOXO;

Maggie

[mo_rizwan]

"Daddy," a little boy asked his father. "How much does it cost to get married?"
"I don't know, son. I'm still paying for it."


"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?”
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"


One day a brunette was driving home from work, as she got out of the car she heard her blonde neighbour crying. "Oh my god, what’s wrong?" the brunette asked. "My mother just died!" said the blonde crying out. The brunette feeling sorry for the blonde comforted her for the whole day. The next day the brunette saw the blonde crying outside. "Now what the hell is wrong?" said the brunette. "Oh, it's terrible...my sister called, and her mother died too!"


A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny, what are 4, 2, 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and Cartoon Network!"


Definition of Windows from Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95:
Windows95: noun.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.


Computer Industry Acronyms: WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System, APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity, IBM: I Blame Microsoft, MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers, MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs.


A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"


A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!" She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"


Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?" Answer "they're Carol's."


A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."


Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.


A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."


A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"


The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball. The game of choice for frontline workers is football. The game of choice for middle management is tennis. The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf. Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.


Two boys were playing with a new football in the road outside their house. "Hey,"' shouted their mother, "where did you get that football?" "We found it," replied one of the boys. "Are you sure it was lost?" asked the mother. "Yes," replied the boy, "we saw some people looking for it."


What does a 3 pin plug and the England football team have in common?
They are both useless in Europe!


Two balls roll into a bar. One says to the other, "Your round!"

One for Sandra:

Why is a Joke like a Pussy?
Neither is Fun if you don't get it :(

[Razor]

A truly tasteless joke from Leeann:

What's the worst thing about oral sex?

The view.

Doh!!! :icon_yike :nono: :rofl2:

XOXO;

Maggie

[Grant]

:lol:

[Wild Honey]

Things to Do in an Office Meeting


1) Take notes in finger paint.

2) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.

3) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.

4) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, "Oh, _now_ I get it!"

5) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: "Hey, you don't want to catch what I've got!"

6) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.

7) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.

8) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the _real_ reason this meeting has been called.

9) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.

10) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.

13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them "doctor's orders."

14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she "not hurt you anymore."

14) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

15) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

16) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.

17) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

18) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.

19) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.

20) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.

21) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can't help it. Start crying.

22) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it's to "prevent the seizures."

23) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say "It's pitiful. But what can you do?"

24) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.

25)Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you "so you can hear better." Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.

26) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

27) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.

28) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.

29) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that "my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings." Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.

30) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody "My doctor's appointment is tomorrow."

31) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: "Just in case."

32) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"

33) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker's. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.

34) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

35) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.

36) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)

[Grant]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do would you want a bed near the window?"

[Razor]

:rofl2: :lol: That just proves they're stupid not crazy. :bee:

[Razor]

This is an oldie but a goodie... :) :lol:

XOXO;

Maggie


How to Give a Cat a Pill
Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the goddamn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little fucker’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
Wrap it in bacon.
Toss it in the air.

[Grant]

This is an oldie but a goodie... :) :lol:

XOXO;

Maggie


How to Give a Cat a Pill

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve the goddamn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little fucker’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

Wrap it in bacon.
Toss it in the air.

:lol::lol:
Our local vet has that on a big sign stuck to the front of the reception desk.

[Syllypryde]

I was having trouble with my computer.
So, I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless I inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Richard grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down..... ID10T

I used to like the little shit!

[dan]

I was having trouble with my computer.
So, I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless I inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Richard grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down..... ID10T

I used to like the little shit!


That was funny!:lol:

[MarkusZ]

I was having trouble with my computer.
So, I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless I inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Richard grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it down..... ID10T

I used to like the little shit!

:lol::lol::lol:

[Razor]

:rofl2: :lol: Good one Patrick... Here's omne from Leeann:

Ralph decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

Ralph says out loud: "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked. I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kinda like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says Ralph, "you really do understand, don't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports physics, philosophy... and I am especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

Ralph is shocked by the price tag. "$2,000.00!!! I can't afford that!"

"Psst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy closer with one wing.

"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 --just make the owner an offer."

So for $20 Ralph walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. Ralph is delighted!

One day, Ralph comes home from work and the parrot says, "psst," and motions him over with one wing.

Ralph moves up close to the cage.

"I don’t know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What!?" says Ralph, shocked.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks Ralph.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" Ralph says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowing working his way down..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Well," Ralph says frantically. "What happened, what happened?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I fell off my perch!"

[Razor]

From my friend Kerri:

Jesus was wandering aroundJerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed and Finkelstein brushed him off: 'No, no, no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?'

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: 'Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?'

'Certainly,' replied Jesus. 'Jesus & Finkelstein it is.'

'Oh, no, no,' said Finkelstein. 'Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.' The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/3753/landtai1.th.jpg (http://img373.imageshack.us/my.php?image=landtai1.jpg)http://img373.imageshack.us/images/thpix.gif (http://g.imageshack.us/thpix.php)

XOXO;

Maggie

[Razor]

Rules of the Air


Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[Razor]

Hey Guys, most of you are probably familiar with John Gillespie Magee Jr's famous poem, High Flight. You may be less familiar with its FAA Supplement though... :lol:
Federal Aviation Administration Supplement 1:

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
- Flight crews must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
- During periods of severe sky dancing, the FASTEN SEATBELT sign must remain constantly illuminated.
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
- Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
- Pilots flying through sun-split clouds must comply with all applicable visual and instrument flight rules.
You have not dreamed of --
- Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
Wheeled and soared and swung
- Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be accomplished simultaneously except by pilots in the flight simulator or in their own aircraft on their own time.
High in the sunlit silence.
- Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
Hov'ring there
- "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
- Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
- Be forewarned that pilot craft-flinging is a leading cause of passenger airsickness.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue
- Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
- Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to provide separation from commercial jet routes.
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
- Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance activity.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
- Air Traffic Control (ATC) must issue all special clearances for treading the high untresspassed sanctity of space.
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
- FAA regulations state that no one may sacrifice aircraft cabin pressure to open aircraft windows or doors while in flight, even to touch a deity.

[KatKir69]

Rules of the Air

Oh my golly goodness. I'll live vicariously through you on that one thanx!!
:icon_nerv

[KatKir69]

Quote: Good one Patrick... Here's omne from Leeann: (Razor) :bestporn: :icon_yes:

And the cat one. Had me bursting. It is so true. Grind the pill into fine powder form. Starve cat for a day and a half. (It is for its own good, after all). Put in pill with xpensive cat food u feed cat over Christmas. Vow to NEVER spend that much money on one can of cat food again as you empty bowl into toilet.


Oh My gosh

[KatKir69]

Heard this on Highveld radio:

The two young umfaans (boys) Bongani and Amos were walking over some hills from the village of Mjonto to a nearby village Umwashi one hot day. They were tripping along quite pleasantly when after a few minutes Bongani noticed this bad smell filling the air. He said nothing at first. Yet later he said to Amos, "Hey Amos man, have you shat your pants?"
"No, I have'nt," replies his friend. Bongani believes him, so they carry on their way. Maybe it is a nearby sewage plant overflowing or a lot of cow dung or something.
They carry on, but after a long while, this reek is still hanging around. So Bongani asks "Hey, Amos, are you sure you have'nt dropped something?"
"No, no I haven't. I'm fine," Amos answers.
But then after a while they notice this pong is bad, and its still there. And, what's worse there's a whole swarm of flies that are beginning to hover around Amos, especially at his back. Bongani stops. "Hawu, Amos! You have shat your pants wena. Drop your pants!" So Amos drops his trousers. He sees they are covered in this brown, messy goo. "Hawu Amos!" Bongani exclaims. "I thought you said you didn't crap your pants!"
Amos answers, "Oh. I thought you meant today!"
T

[Wild Honey]

Signs

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES . . . $50.00." A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying "Jesus Saves." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "well, that's a little different it pertains to religion." So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which said, "Two Angels Seeking Peter . . . $50.00."

[Wild Honey]

Psychiatrist Diagnosis!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your
brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.

[Razor]

LOL, thanks Karen we needed that. :)

[Wild Honey]

Cheating
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.

[Wild Honey]

Hot Date


It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/).

Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/)'s father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/)'s not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool" says Bobby. Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/)'s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/)'s father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/)'s father, "Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/) really likes to screw.

She'll screw all night if we let her."

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/) comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue (http://www.freeones.com/html/p_links/Peggy_Sue/) rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!

[Razor]

:rofl2: :lol:
So, umm, does this mean you have a thing for Peggy Sue? :bee:

XOXO;

Maggie

[Wild Honey]

:rofl2: :lol:
So, umm, does this mean you have a thing for Peggy Sue? :bee:

XOXO;

Maggie

Someone did. I found it funnier than the joke.:lol:

[Razor]

Someone did. I found it funnier than the joke.:lol:
Hehehe, well she does have a certain, umm, allure. :lol:

XOXO;

Maggie

[Sandra Shine]

Psychiatrist Diagnosis!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your
brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.

:lol::lol::lol:

[Syllypryde]

A woman pregnant with triplets was on her way to the convenient store to pick up a half gallon of milk. Coincidentally, a robber had just held up the store and was on his way out just as she was on her way in. Afraid of being identified, he fired 3 shots at the woman, all 3 bullets striking her in the stomach. At the hospital the doctor informed her that her triplets were completely unharmed by the attack and the surgury was mostly successful. It was too dangerous to remove the 3 bullets and the doctor was forced to leave them in the woman's stomach. He assured her that they would not cause any problems and her babies would be born healthy. 39 hours later she gave birth to her triplets, 2 girls and a boy.

One evening 16 years later while the mother was watching TV, one of her daughters comes into the living room crying. "What is the matter, sweetie?" the mother asks. Her daughter exclaims, "I was taking a pee and a bullet fell out!" The mother then proceeds to calm her hysterical daughter and tells her the story of what happened 16 years ago and that everything was okay.

A week later, again while the mother was watching TV, her other daughter comes into the living room crying. "What is the matter, sweetie?" the mother asks. Her daughter exclaims, "I was taking a pee and a bullet fell out!" The mother then proceeds to calm her hysterical daughter and tells her the story of what happened 16 years ago and that everything was okay.

A week later, again while the mother was watching TV, her son comes into the living room crying. The mother says, "Let me guess. You were taking a pee and a bullet fell out?" Her son sobs, "No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!"

[Razor]

An engineer and a programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"

This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[Razor]

SPICING UP SEX LIFE

A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years of marriage.

After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink.

She slowly spread her legs,and in a husky come f**k me voice says "Honey, would you like some of this?"

The husband looks between his ageing wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what it's done to your underwear."

[Grant]

Magic Apples


A young fellow ran into an old man who was carrying a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favourite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wiped his mouth and exclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

[KatKir69]

From my cousin:

Legalese

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court-reporters
that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[dan]

You all will love this video. But push pause on it and let it load up completely the let it play. Other wise it will just keep stopping on you. http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/7435dc2130/office-rage-compilation-from-tubulargoldmine?utm_campaign=newsletter011509&utm_content=fv3rageee&utm_medium=email&utm_source=newsletter&utm_term=fd

[Razor]

From a friend who is traveling in Endland:

I was watching TV coverage of the Oscars early this morning and thought I sould share a few quotes with you (these are direct quotes I'm not making this shit up!):

“Slumdog Millionaire beat off Benjamin Button…”

“Meryl Streep was beat off by Kate Winslett…”

And the single funniest thing I've ever heard on television:

“Sean Penn beat off Brad Pitt…”

:rofl2: :lol:

[KatKir69]

God, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates:

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself. Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was vital. God looked at Al and said, " I like the way you think. Come and sit at my left hand".

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most. Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important. God responded, " I like the way you think. Come and sit at my right hand".

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly. God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"
Bill Gates responded, "I think you are sitting in my chair".

[KatKir69]

Catherine, you might enjoy this:

Students/Bike

Two engineering students meet on a campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[Catherine]

Catherine, you might enjoy this:

Students/Bike

Two engineering students meet on a campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Yes, I did enjoy it but how did you know I was the girl on the bike?:lol:

[Razor]

Yes, I did enjoy it but how did you know I was the girl on the bike?:lol:
Hehehe, lucky guess??? :bee: ;) :lol:

Hows things with you Catherine?


XOXO;

Maggie

[Catherine]

Hehehe, lucky guess??? :bee: ;) :lol:

Hows things with you Catherine?


XOXO;

Maggie

I am great. How you doin? :yippee:

I have no idea how to transfer this to the General Talk Thread....whoops

[dan]

Yes, I did enjoy it but how did you know I was the girl on the bike?:lol:
Thanks for the bike!:lol:

[Catherine]

Thanks for the bike!:lol:
Anytime ;). I understand why you didn't take my clothes flare jeans and tight shirts just don't look that sexy on a guy :bee:

[Grant]

Yes, I did enjoy it but how did you know I was the girl on the bike?:lol:She was hiding in the bushes.. Watching..



Anytime ;). I understand why you didn't take my clothes flare jeans and tight shirts just don't look that sexy on a guy :bee:Some metro types seem to think they can make it work.. And it doesn't.

I agree with you.

[dan]

Anytime ;). I understand why you didn't take my clothes flare jeans and tight shirts just don't look that sexy on a guy :bee:
Not much does. Just a suit does. I look damn good in a suit.

[KatKir69]

Some may find this one old:

A new car for the ladies

Renault and Ford working on a new small car for women.

By joining forces of the Clio and Taurus, it will be called the
"Clitaurus".

It only comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and
the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. :D

[KatKir69]

Teacher/sex:

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at the back, answered, "A lamp!".

The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think someone can suck a lamp?"

Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, 'turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it'."

[KatKir69]

Secret of Life:

A jogger notices one morning an old woman, sitting in front of her door. He walks up to her and says "I can't help but notice how amazingly happy you are and look. Might I ask what your secret is?"

"Sure you can. I smoke 10 cigars every day. Before I go to bed, I smoke a joint. Also I drink everyday a bottle of Jack Daniels and I only eat Junk Food. In the weekend, I take a bit of meth, I fuck around with every guy I see. That's actually all the exercise I'm doing ..."

"OMG, that's amazing. How old are you ?"

"I'm 24" she replies ...

[KatKir69]

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip.
He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.

The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up.

The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

[Grant]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman walks into a bar holding a duck, and the bartender says "Hey where'd you get the pig?"
The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck"
and the bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!"

[Razor]

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

[Catherine]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"


Sadly this has probably happened before. Just kidding......I hope:lol:

[KatKir69]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here !"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warren was sitting alone in his office one night when a Genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"
Warren looked at the Genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the Genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said Warren, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,"That was your first wish, too!"

[KatKir69]

Sex With Vaseline!

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[KatKir69]

Grrrosss!!

Three Dogs at the Vet

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the Poodle, "Why are you here?"

The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

[KatKir69]

A bit of an oldie, but funny nonetheless:

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The GOVERNMENT beat me to it."

[Fernanda]

A bit of an oldie, but funny nonetheless:

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The GOVERNMENT beat me to it."

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[myles]

hELLO Everybody!! Got a Joke:
A Cucumber a Pickle & Penis were talking bout their awful lives. the Cucumber said my life sucks when I get big and fat & juicy,they cut me up & toss me in2 a salad.
The pickle said when I get big fat & juicy they cover me in vinegar and throw me in a jar.
The penis said u think thats bad when I get big fat and juicy they pull a plastic bag over my head stick me in a dark room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up & pass out!!:laugh::icon_wave HAVE A GOOD WEEK.

[Harley]

Never Argue with a Woman!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.


Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.


'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'


'Yes, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

[henri5gt]

3 men appear at the heavenly gates at the same time, but the gatekeeper can only let them enter one by one, so he asks wich one died first, second and last.

one man steps forward and says he's the first, and starts to tell his story:
"i had a suspicion my wife was cheating on me so i went home from work early, when i ran into the bedroom a man was sitting on the floor in front of the bed, so i picked him up and threw him of the balcony, i looked down and saw he was only slightly injured, but i was so angry i took the nearest closet and threw that on top of him. from all the tension and the physical labour i got a heartattack and died, so here i am"

"ok, you may enter" says the gatekeeper, and the second man steps forward

"i am a yoga teacher, but when i was meditating with one of my clients, some crazy man barged into the room, and threw me of a balcony. luckely it did not hurt me too much, but then a closet came down on top of me and killed me"

"well, you may enter too", and the gatekeeper turns to the third and last man and asked "but how did you die?"

the man says "uhm, i was having sex with my mistress, but when someone came to her house i had to hide in a closet"

[henri5gt]

i don't know if it's allowed to tell this one, it's a bit on the edge:

a woman is at the hospital to visit the gynocologist.
the doctor says: miss, you really need to stop masturbating!
she asks why, the doctor says: because i want to start my ecamination now.

[Harley]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.